Introducing....

Baby Bean 4.0


Today was our first midwife appointment. (Yes, I know, it seems really late for a first appointment)

We saw our bundle of joy dancing around...(s)he even waved once or twice. We also saw and heard the heartbeat.

Excitement is finally starting to settle in here in Neverland.

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In other news. The house has been very quiet the last couple of days.

Our two oldest are spending the week with their Nana and Papa. After 7:30, Micheal is asleep and Mr. Darling and I stare at each other and wonder why there is no pitter-patter of little feet, no hushed calls for more water, no sounds of imaginary ninja fights in the place off sleepy, heavy breathing.

The mornings are much calmer. Micheal and I sit down to have breakfast at our leisure. No demands for cereal, or more cereal, or juice, or milk. Just the two of us sharing a bowl of cereal. (I finally got Wendy to stop insisting on having every other bite of my breakfast... and not two months later, Micheal has started... ah well.) It's no so bad when you know you have to share... you just fix an extra big bowl. :)

I do have to say, though, the rest of the day is almost more stressful. Michael does not know how to be an only child. The kid is Bored. To. Death. He does not know how to play by himself. And here I thought I would get so much done around the house with only one child at home. NOT SO! I have to entertain him constantly. I was unaware of how much my older two actually played with their baby brother. SWEETNESS!

I miss my babies. (And not just because I need help on the entertainment front.)

Mission Accomplished

We finally did it.

Micheal plus ear tubes (bright and early this morning) equals a much happier toddler...hopefully. I let you know if a few days. Mommy was a bit nervous, but Micheal didn't really seem bothered at all. (Which is nice.)

He was a bit fussy on the ride home, but I'm pretty sure that was because his brother and sister weren't there to entertain him.

In all honesty, the most difficult part of today was deciding whether or not the 30 minutes he was asleep due to anesthesia counted for his morning nap.

(And if that was the worst part.... thank God for that!)

Catastrophe Avoided.... This Time.

As we get out of the car this evening, Wendy looks at me with these terrified eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she whispers ever so quietly,

"I choked my quarter!"

You choked on a quarter? What quarter? I looked at my husband curiously. Apparently he had given her a quarter size medal that had come in some junk mail.

"Where is the quarter now?" I question.

She points to her mouth.... "In my belly"

"Did you swallow it?"

She nods and whispers a terrified yes, fearing she is going to be in trouble.... and I admit I shrugged it off. She wasn't choking, she was talking, she seemed fine. So I was about to go on my merry way.... until I noticed that, apparently, I should have been more concerned. My husband is looking all over the car to make sure she didn't just drop it. By the time I get inside the house he is on the phone with his brother (the doctor) who thinks, yes, we should call her pediatrician. A penny or nickle, meh; but a quarter is pretty big for a two year old. So we call the answering service, get prepared to go to the ER and wait for her doctor to call us back.

Thankfully, the pediatrician calms Mr. Darling down and tells him that if we are really concerned, we can bring her in in the morning... as long as she is breathing fine, there is no need to be overly concerned.

So, we sit down for dinner. Mr. Darling still seems a bit concerned, maybe feeling a tiny bit guilty, but everything seems fine.

After dinner, Wendy and John take off chasing after each other... and then I hear it. Clink... clink, clink!!!

"What was that!" I jump up and run around the corner, and there she is....

Smiling up at me holding a shiny piece of medal.

"I'm not choking my quarter no more!"

Either that girl's intestines are extremely efficient or that stupid coin was lost somewhere down her dress. Either way... everyone will be sleeping better tonight.

I Think he Knows....

This morning, John walks in on me as I am finishing up in the bathroom. (Not an unusual occurrence.) His first reaction...

"Momma, let me see your belly again... lift up your shirt!"

I slowly do as I am told, eying him suspiciously.

"Mom, " he says in all seriousness, "Your belly looks really big and round... I think you have a baby in there, I'm not kidding. I think there is a baby in your belly. I just think you need to know that!"

I kinda laugh at him and change the subject. (We haven't gotten around to telling the kids because, we haven't told any of the family...and little ones tend to have big mouths.)

Later this afternoon, again he orders me to lift my shirt.

"Momma, I'm telling you, there is a baby in your belly! Yep, there sure is... I just thought you should know!"

I think he's on to us....

I guess we should probably tell our parents before our four year old does.

We're so Selfish....

Last night we invited a Priest friend of my husband over to watch Lost with us. John, who is four, is fascinated with Priests. He can also talk more than any other child I know, so we prepared him a little before hand.

My husband told him that Daddy was having a friend over and was coming to talk with Daddy, not to play with John. We told John that he could show the Priest his room and hang out with us quietly for a bit before bed, but other than that he needed to remember that this was Daddy's friend and he had come to spend time with Daddy.

Once the Priest arrived, we set John up in the computer room and let him watch a DVD on the computer, while we all plopped down in from of the TV to watch all the pre-"stuff" that came on prior to the last episode of Lost.

Literally within seconds, and every five minutes thereafter, John came in the room to ask the Priest a very pressing question or to show him something critically important. It was extremely cute and endearing, but since John can talk and talk and talk (and talk and talk), we let him know that he needed to go back and finish watching his show and stop coming in.

Finally bed time arrived. As I am tucking him in he looks up at me with these sad, pitiful eyes and says, "You and daddy are so selfish. You've been playing with Father all night long and I haven't gotten to play with him at all. You guys are being so selfish!"

Point taken kiddo.

So we let him stay up an extra 10 minutes and "play" with his new friend. Thankfully, the Good Father was willing to play along! (Of course, the fact that we had a DVR was also a big help.)

To Tube or not to Tube

Friday, Micheal had his first Birthday. Today, we finally decided he needs tubes in his ears. Happy birthday, kiddo!

We've been putting it off for months now, but I think it is time. The poor child has been on antibiotics almost constantly for the last four months (and I am not a huge fan of antibiotics in abundance). We hoped that once the warmer weather arrived the ear infections would disappear. No such luck!

I have to say I am a bit nervous. We made it to the two year mark with the first two kids and the infections all but disappeared. So this is our first go with tubes. While we've already made the appointment, I'm still not sure I want to go through with it.

Any advice out there in the blogosphere?

Yesterday Was Plain Awful

My life is not going in the direction I had hoped... at least, not this week. Simply put, this has been a bad week.

I have been a bad mother, a bad wife, and pretty much a bad person in general. (At least that is how I see it... my husband disagrees, but that is because he has too.... a form of self preservation or something.)

I yelled at my kids...and then felt guilty, I hid from my screaming baby because no matter what I tried, I couldn't get him to stop crying...and then I felt guilty. I listened to my four year old yell at my two year old, and heard my voice in his...and then I felt guilty. (What am I teaching my kids?)

I fled to my closet, with the baby standing outside the door crying...and then I cried too.

I opened the door, gathered my cherub in my arms and we cried together.

It wasn't just tears streaming down my face, it was gigantic, horrific sobs. Sobs I hoped my older kid couldn't hear in fear it would terrify them.

Then I did it. I finally asked God what I have been thinking for the last two months.

"What are you doing Lord?"
"Don't you see I'm a terrible mother?"
"Why would you think I could handle another."
"I've already ruined the ones you've given me, why let me scar another?"

You see, we're going to have another baby. He isn't a baby we planned for; however, he is a baby we've always said we would welcome with open arms if he ever showed up. I'm just having trouble understanding why God would think now is the right time for this baby to show up?

...And now, I feel guilty.

Because there are woman out there, couples out there, that yearn beyond belief for what I have. There are moms and dads who have waited year after year after year for a baby to hold in their arms. They are the ones who have the right to hide in closets and crying tears of anguish. But me? I've been given a blessing...four of them. What right do I have to wallow? Seriously?!!

...And still, I feel guilty.

Because I haven't felt that excitement yet. I haven't experience that joy. The excitement and joy I felt with the first three.

...And because of that, I'm scared.

Because, what if I don't deserve this baby... what if he's taken away? Even though I'm not overly excited about this child...yet, I would be devastated if I lost him.

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So as you can see, I've pretty much lost my mind. If you read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I have a feeling, tomorrow will be a better.

UPDATE:

Today, I laughed with my kids... and felt joy
Today, I read to my kids... and felt happiness
Today, I sang with my kids... and felt delight.
Today, we discussed names for our precious little one... and I felt a tiny twinge of excitement.

Progress!