Yesterday Was Plain Awful

My life is not going in the direction I had hoped... at least, not this week. Simply put, this has been a bad week.

I have been a bad mother, a bad wife, and pretty much a bad person in general. (At least that is how I see it... my husband disagrees, but that is because he has too.... a form of self preservation or something.)

I yelled at my kids...and then felt guilty, I hid from my screaming baby because no matter what I tried, I couldn't get him to stop crying...and then I felt guilty. I listened to my four year old yell at my two year old, and heard my voice in his...and then I felt guilty. (What am I teaching my kids?)

I fled to my closet, with the baby standing outside the door crying...and then I cried too.

I opened the door, gathered my cherub in my arms and we cried together.

It wasn't just tears streaming down my face, it was gigantic, horrific sobs. Sobs I hoped my older kid couldn't hear in fear it would terrify them.

Then I did it. I finally asked God what I have been thinking for the last two months.

"What are you doing Lord?"
"Don't you see I'm a terrible mother?"
"Why would you think I could handle another."
"I've already ruined the ones you've given me, why let me scar another?"

You see, we're going to have another baby. He isn't a baby we planned for; however, he is a baby we've always said we would welcome with open arms if he ever showed up. I'm just having trouble understanding why God would think now is the right time for this baby to show up?

...And now, I feel guilty.

Because there are woman out there, couples out there, that yearn beyond belief for what I have. There are moms and dads who have waited year after year after year for a baby to hold in their arms. They are the ones who have the right to hide in closets and crying tears of anguish. But me? I've been given a blessing...four of them. What right do I have to wallow? Seriously?!!

...And still, I feel guilty.

Because I haven't felt that excitement yet. I haven't experience that joy. The excitement and joy I felt with the first three.

...And because of that, I'm scared.

Because, what if I don't deserve this baby... what if he's taken away? Even though I'm not overly excited about this child...yet, I would be devastated if I lost him.

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So as you can see, I've pretty much lost my mind. If you read this far, thanks for letting me vent. I have a feeling, tomorrow will be a better.

UPDATE:

Today, I laughed with my kids... and felt joy
Today, I read to my kids... and felt happiness
Today, I sang with my kids... and felt delight.
Today, we discussed names for our precious little one... and I felt a tiny twinge of excitement.

Progress!