Lessons from Layla

There are times that I have bad days... I mean really bad days. Days when I constantly yell at my children for getting into things. Days I just want them to go play so I can get the cleaning done. Days when I finally get one room clean and, as soon as I move on, the kids have ransacked what I spent the last 15 minutes doing. I get frustrated... I know it, and worse, they know it. If they would just give me 30 more minutes then I could give them my undivided attention. They whine. They want to help, but that will just make it take longer. I get in a mood. My oldest asks, "Mom, can you not be grumpy anymore?" I'm ashamed of those days.

On those nights, I lay in my bed and the mommy guilt sets in. (Okay, let's be honest, it set in long ago but now I have time to ponder on it.) I cry. I vow to do better next time. I pray that I will be a better mommy tomorrow. And then I pray,"Please Lord, don't take them from me tonight or any night. Don't let me regret the way I acted today. Give me another day to be better."

The sad thing is, I pray this a lot. I mean it sincerely, but that fact that I keep repeating my failures is unsettling. Is it that my worst fear (the death of my children) just doesn't happen in real life? It doesn't happen to people I know. Is it that I don't truly believe God would do that to me? I love Him, He loves me, He wouldn't hurt me like that. Or is it that I just don't want to believe it could happen?

But the thing is... It does happen. The growing popularity of blogs and twitter make is so much more real. Moms and dads start blogs to distract themselves, to update family and friends, to vent. And we read and learn and know that sometimes God takes your babies away. These Moms and Dads are almost always strong, faith-filled people, and I can't imagine myself in there place. So I cry. I cry for them, I cry for their pain, I cry for their strength, I cry because I still have my kids, and I cry because I still have a chance to be a better mom.

I had one of "those" days a short time ago. So, I went through my routine of regret and prayer and then I clicked on a link posted on Facebook... And I cried.

I read about Layla Grace. Layla is two and dying of cancer. Her parents think she has days, maybe hours left. They are in the middle of living out my worst fear. So I cried for her, for her mom and dad, for her sisters... And then I prayed for them.

However, when I read this piece, I cried for myself and my failures.

Layla's mom confesses:

Layla now spends most of her days sleeping. 30-45 minutes after she wakes up, she is ready to lay down and sleep again. Is this God’s way of preparing me for all the quiet time that is coming soon? The house is quiet. I am able to go through the motions of laundry, dishes, cooking and picking up without interruptions. But I WANT interruptions. I WANT Layla to be under my feet asking for cookies. I WANT to hear her playing with her toys. I WANT to take 45 minutes to unload the dishwasher because she keeps trying to help. For every time I uttered the words “I just can’t get anything done with these kids under my feet all day” I am eternally regretful. The days that I looked forward to naptime so I could get a grocery list made, or finally fold all the piles of laundry…I regret those days too. If I could do it all again, I’d enjoy EVERY SINGLE WAKING MOMENT I had with her. I would never wish for her to sit still or take a nap or go to bed early. I would never look forward to the days when she could sit through an entire episode of Dora silently. I would treasure every second with her.

Layla's mom puts into words my worst fears, the things I have told myself I never want to have to say. Regrets I never want to have. For some reason, out of all the stories I have heard or blogs I have read, this one, Layla Grace's story, is the one that finally got me. It happens, people outlive their children. Sometimes these children are so very very young. The fact is, there are times when parents have to watch their babies die.

If God decides it is his plan to take one of my children, I don't want these regrets so I need to do better. Getting the dishes done is just not that important. If John or Wendy want to help load the dishwasher, why not? They just want to be loved, be included; goodness, they just want to be WITH me. What was I thinking? So what if it's faster to do it myself? These are my babies. They will only be with me for so long. God willing I will lose my babies by watching them grow to adults, but no matter, I need to cherish them, not for the worst fear - just in case scenario, but because they are my children and I love them.

So pray for me that I can be a better mom, that I can remember Layla's Mom's words and that I can always put my children first...

...but even more so, pray for Layla and her family. Pray that God will take away her pain, that God will comfort her parents during this time of heartache, and that they can continue turning to God during their coming time of tremendous grief.